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Wikiality.com is dedicated to bringing news to the internets tubes. We like our news fresh and truthy, which is why we have introduced this page dedicated to bringing the most fresh and truthy news to all the tubes of the internets! See Also: :Daily Poll News Photos Bear Watchers Abomination Watch Breaking News Archive American Corporation Defeats Terrorists! The Disney Corporation has successfully defeated a terrorist cell working inside Al Jazeera, Jr. GAZA CITY, June 30, 2007--It all started with a mouse. Al Jazeera, Jr., the Hamas-run division of PBS, created a character called "Farfour", which bore a striking resemblance to America's favorite corporate executive. That's when the filthy Jew Michael Eisner got all geshvollen and kvetched to his legal team, Baker, Tataramoa and Nebbes who then wrote the most tsemishnichic cease and desist letter ever written east of the Catskills. And because the goyim at Al Jazeera, Jr. couldn't afford a Jew lawyer themselves, they were forced to comply. "We are all thrilled that the Disney-mouse monopoly is still intact," Eisner told viewers of his children's show, The Mouse Who Owns Everything, "there will never be another rodent on television, gloib mir!" Al Jazeera, Jr. and Disney came to an agreement and Farfour was eliminated from the airwaves with extreme prejudice. Once again, the market has decided what works and what doesn't Hurray capitalism! ### Supreme Court v. Browns, Boards of Education WASHINGTON, D.C., June 28, 2007 -- In keeping with their commitment to Constitutional Originalism, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that American schools shall no longer force the bitter pill of the liberal agenda down their students' throats. Thanks to five of the most forward-looking Jurists this country has seen in the fifty-three years since desegregation became law, America's children will no longer have to pledge allegiance to the offensive flag of unity. Finally, the oppressive yoke of forced "diversity" has been lifted, guaranteeing that no child shall have his or her free and equal access to education abridged by the painful and humiliating presence of the ethnics. While liberal whinenistas and ACLU-types are already decrying the decision across the internets, it-getters and patriots recognize the inherent wisdom of the Court's decision. In siding with the good parents who wished to free their children from the onerous burden of sharing a classroom with others unlike themselves, the good Justices of the Majority had to overcome the prejudices of their colleagues on the bench, who still cling to an outdated belief that "racism" and "inequality" can be corrected through such measures as addressing questions of "race" and "unequal access" to resources. Instead, the Majority opinion ruled to overturn self-inflicted desegregation plans like those put in place by the Seattle, Washington and Louisville, Kentucky school districts. Instead, the Court encouraged all of America's school districts to promote an ethos of color-blindness, whether their schools admitted any coloreds or not. Following the lead provided by legal scholar and moral luminary Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., the Conservative Majority on the bench clearly does not see race. Or at least, they would prefer that local school districts not see race when deciding how to uphold the Constitution's "equal protection" clause. Given the end of racism, such an enlightened view only makes sense. As Justice Roberts' logic makes clear, a continued focus on the race of America's students will only serve to ensure that America's students continue to have races. Obviously, if America's schools ignore the issue of race altogether, they will integrate themselves in one big, happy melting pot. Doesn't it say in the Constitution that "all men are created equal"? Surely those words stand alone as proof that America is committed to diversity in her public schools. No child left behind. ### Public Health Notice: Prescription Drug Recall In less than 60 days after introducing their new prescription drug line, Prescott Pharmaceuticals has voluntarily recalled one of their "Vaxa" products. HOUSTON, TEXAS, June 29, 2007--Hoping to fend off the outrage that always seems to follow one of their voluntary recalls, Houston's pharmacy giant Prescott Pharmaceuticals (PP), is announcing the recall of Vaxa-Smacks, America's Favorite Prostate Stimulating Cereal™. According to a press release from The Prescott Group (the media arm of PP), the company is asking that anyone who has purchased a box of Vaxa-Smacks at any time from any store in any state to return the unused portion directly to PP and a refund will be forthcoming. PP will also send along a coupon for a free bottle of Vaxadrine to assist in removing any trace elements of any digested Vaxa-Smacks still in the customer's system. PP is not discussing exactly why they are removing Vaxa-Smacks from store shelves, but researchers in Chicago believe it may have to do with an unexpected benefit which may cut into PP's bottom line. Doctor's at Harvard University's Dana-Farber Cancer Institute have found a casual link between the consumption of Vaxa-Smacks and lower rates of HIV cases. "At first we didn't want to make the announcement, because it was just so unbelieveable," Dr. A. Engelman told Wikiality.com, "but once we found out it was a Prescott Pharmaceuticals product, we hoped that by announcing it we might be able to force Prescott to not recall one of their products, especially if the unintended side effect might actually help people, which as everyone in the medical profession knows doesn't happen with Prescott...ever." No one from Prescott Pharmaceuticals or their parent company, The Prescott Group returned any calls asking for comments as of this posting. ### Paris Hilton to receive Presidential Medal of Freedom for defeating Michael Moore! by The Lake Effect - June 28, 2007 Commie-dy Central, I mean, The Daily Show Freshly released from prison, Hotel Entrepeneuress and Professional Burger Saleswoman Paris Hilton has committed herself to a task every true American dreams of being able to perform - to take down hot dog afficinado Michael Moore. The first battle of Hilton's campaign in the War on Moore was fought and won on Larry King Live, as the suspendered sex machine of a Jew had the courage to interview Ms. Hilton for a full hour, instead of having to talk to the rotund communist that he had earlier booked. President Bush is said to have been delighted at the news of Paris' (the blond one, not the French one) victory. Said The Decider, "This is a wonderful day for pretty little girls that look to her as a role model. I know my daughters have learned much from enemulating her uniquely American values." Of the Medal of Freedom, he replied, "I just had a bunch of these shiny things left over - it looked so good on Brownie I thought I could give her one too." He then went back to defeating Iraqi insurgents, on his Nintendo DS. It has been suggested by Secretary of Defense Robert Gates that Hilton could be made a General in the War on Moore as early as the upcoming fall television season. *Michael Moore, upset about not being able to speak with an American Jew, speaks with a communist Jew instead. ### Labcoat Larrys Synthesize Life Scientists announced today all the science is in and liberals are slapping God in The Face with it. In a move that is sure to bring tears to the eyes of The Baby Jesus and also make The Baby Satan wet (but in another place), Labcoat Larrys have toyed with the human genome and have come thisclose to making synthetic life. J. Craig Venter and his team of $cientologists were able to switch one single gene of a certain mass of slime and turn it into a different kind of slimy mass. It is believed this was performed in a San Francisco bathhouse, but these reports have not been confirmed, only in that Mr. Venter hasn't returned Wikiality.com's phone calls, therefore we will continue to repeat this until he can use his witchcraft to make Dr. Colbert's regular cellphone an iPhone. Who Will Think Of The Future? Recent revalations in the news about the advances by science have many people up in arms: * gaydar technologies * happyness technologies * enhanced interrogation techniques But, this latest news will have far-reaching consequences for mankind in ways few will be able to understand, much less exploit. For instance: * if a test is created which will allow parents to switch off a child's gayness, Venter and his squad will be able to reverse what God has given to man and turn the child back into a member of the gay species! * the now-gay child will then be able to alter his parent's sadness making them gay as well * thus creating an entire generation of super gays, who will be immune to the effects of enhanced interrogation techniques, which as everyone knows the gays just love. Real Americans are working frantically to preserve the integrity of America's genome hymens. Help Wikiality.com fight this menace by visiting this page to help keep track of the liberal's mutant army. ### Rahm Emanuel Going To Gitmo, May Return Rahm Emanuel has challenged the sovereignty of The Greatest Vice President Ever! How long will America have to listen to his lies? WIKIALITY.COM EDITORIAL, June 25, 2007--Since 9-11 America has been protected with a ruthless efficiency that can only be described as Bauer-worthy. Yet, Democrats and their ideological brethren (the French and Terrorists) cannot appreciate freedom when their fellow citizens hand it to them on foreign-made titanium prosthetic legs. Where does Rahm get off? First he tells the minions of Satan's Handmaiden to avoid "The Greatest Television Show Ever", , an insult to the very foundation of America's democratic principles of separation of TV and state. Now he has threatened to cut off Dick Cheney's feeding tube. Rahm, we have a quote for you, straight from The Man himself: We here at Wikiality.com have deputized all Internets-American in the FOX Security Force, giving them the power to make a citizen's arrest sending you to Gitmo forthwith. When you mess with Dick, you're messing with Wikiality.com. And we're not gonna take it standing up. We're going to blog like we've never blogged before. You're going to regret messing with the fiercest army of deferment-eligible chickenhawks the world has ever seen. ### Democrats Will Debate in San Francisco! Less than a month after cutting and running from a debate on FOX, the Democrat party has accepted an open invitation to debate in San Francisco SAN FRANCISCO, NOT-AMERICA, June 25, 2006--Rainbow-colored streamers? Check. Homo bath houses? Check. America-hating attitude? Check. The city is already ready for them, now it's up to the Democrat party to just show up. "Well, it doesn't surprise me," American fighter for America's values, and resident of the gayest place on Earth, Michael Savage informed Wikiality.com, "this whole damn place is a liberal convention waiting to happen." It all started in March of 2007, when the going got too tough for the liberal wing of the liberal party: "I've never been talked to like that," a choked-up John Edwards slobbered to Amy Goodman on her radio program, "Communism Now!", "I really don't. I mean, what did I do to them to deserve this? Nothing. Nothing!...(sobbing)" What Edwards was sniveling about was what normally happens during campaigns: candidates are invited to debate on TV, and they either accept or decline. But, not the Democrats; Edwards was expecting an engraved invitation from FOX for their televised debate and when it didn't come, he demanded an apology from Rupert Murdoch himself. FOX had offered the liberals the standard debate contract, which included: * separate dressing rooms for each candidate * equal on-screen time * 20 individual close-ups * a large enough podium to accomodate the "clothing option" that liberals have become famous for But, insiders were shocked that Edwards wasn't satisfied, saying he wanted to bring his personal hair stylist and insisted his podium be ermine-lined. FOX stood its ground stating it wanted to be fair (and balanced) for every candidate: if Edwards insisted on his special podium, all the other candidates would want one too. When asked about the accomodating Edwards regarding the hair stylist, an unnamed FOX employee said, "Everyone already knows about the hair guy, if you know what I mean!" Every Highway Leads Back to San Francisco After the dust and flying hair settled, Nancy Pelosi had to do something quick. She just lost the largest prime-time audience she will ever see and now all her presidential candidates were hormonal. She had only one way out of this mess: call the Rainbow Warriors, her Army of Gay Party Planners who have been known to transform a testosterone-laden event like the NASCAR-cum Super Bowl Promise Keepers get-togethers into an event so gay it could make Ted Haggard forget about his love for the American Holy Bible and beg for Arabic Translations all night long. With a sprinkle of fairy dust and a dash of leather, the event was good to go. "My girls never let me down," Pelosi said proudly, "best of all, ermine-lining is standard with every San Francisco podium." ### American Celebrity Kidnapped in Malaysia American television father figure, Homer J. Simpson was kidnapped by terrorists. KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA, June 21, 2007--Longtime small screen celebrity, rapper and the star of a soon to be released movie, Homer J. Simpson, was kidnapped today while promoting the film in the Asian Mooslim country of Malaysia. Very little is known at this hour regarding Mr. Simpson's whereabouts. The kidnapping was captured by a closed circuit camera in the parking garage of the hotel where the Simpson family was staying. The grainy images show two masked men dragging the gigantic yellow Simpson into a gray or silver sedan which drove out of the south exit of the garage. Malaysian authorities have no leads, and none of the local terrorist groups have claimed responsibility for the deed. Donut shops have been put on alert for large orders and the American consulat has contacted American tourists to be on alert for seedy characters. Wikiality.com will be following this story and report any updates as they become available. ### ***UPDATE*** Fox Television, Mr. Simpson's employer has offered some cash for any information about the crime. Please contact Rupert Murdoch through his MySpace page. ### "VOUS ET MOI!" Clinton Chooses Un-American Song As Her Campaign Theme Song by The Lake Effect - June 20, 2007 SOMEWHERE between The Las Vegas Strip and Hell, er, the Clinton household. Senator Hillary Clinton did NOT shock everyone with her choice of Celine Dion's "You and I" as her anthem. Not content to just use a song by an American communist collective like "Still the One" by Orleans, a Canadian song, nay, a song by a FRENCH-Canadian was chosen to lead her flag-burning hordes to the polling stations. "You and I" is also the promotional song used by Air Canada - the airline that has affixed its name to the Air Canada Centre, home of the Toronto Raptors - a clear slap in the face to American superpundit Dr. Stephen T. Colbert. Colbert is now considering adding an extra provisional slot to his famed ON NOTICE board on his television program, "The Colbert Report", just to fit Clinton in. Taking time out of taking jobs from hard working Mexican singers in Las Vegas, Celine Dion released an official statement. "I am very pleased for Comrade Hillary and her endeavours to add l'argent to my bank account. It is not like the money is needed to fight the war on terror or anything." Clinton could not be reached for comment as she was busy draining kitten blood to feed the baby orcs living in her basement. It's enough to make Mao Zedong throw a party for all his zombie friends. ### The Greatest President Ever Vetoes Baby-Killer Bill! The Greatest President Ever's veto pen may be running dangerously low on ink. If Nancy Pelosi doesn't end her reign of terror, will he have to dip into America's Strategic Ink Supply? WASHINGTON, D.C., Gay Pride Month 20, 2007--First liberals went after the troops, demanding that they cut and run from democracy-bringing. When that failed, several America-damaging bills appeared in rapid succession: * the Give Gays' Special Rights bill * the Fill The Airwaves With Smut bill * the Look At Me, I'm Michael Moore bill But, as he had done in the past, The Greatest President Ever dispatched the blasphemous verses with all deliberate speed. Thus protecting America from seeing Michael Moore coming out of the closet on live TV. With the election fast approaching, the liberal agenda is in full swish: another Baby-Killing Measure has somehow found its way to The Greatest President Ever's desk. "It just makes me sad," John Boehner told Wikiality.com via a secured CSPAN channel, "we have tried to save every one of Our Heavenly Father's little children...but..." Mr. Boehner was unable to continue without an unnamed spokesman butching up for him: "It has been the mission of the Republican Party to provide the values which America adopts as her own. The most important of these is the sanctity of life. As our young men and women are protecting our freedoms in The Land of America's Oil, it is our duty to uphold those values here at home. I propose the death penalty for Nancy Pelosi if she continues down this hateful and irrational path. Thank you, no questions." And with the stroke of his near inkless pen, The Greatest President Ever further secured his legacy as The "Life is Sacred" President. ### Missing Emails Found! Nancy Pelosi was determined to make everyone in The Greatest Administration Ever miserable. She claimed people who serve at the pleasure were fired for political reasons, then claimed there were "missing emails" that proved it! WASHINGTON, D.C., June 19, 2007--The lawyers were long gone. After having served at the pleasure of the president, they decided to spend more time with their families. They chose to quit, they were with their families. Yet, the liberals said they smelled a rat. Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid ran through the nation's capital questioning everyone in sight. They were certain the lawyers had been fired and there just had to be a paper trail somewhere. Thousands of slackers were hired to shimmy through the internets tubes searching for the emails (5 million Pelosi claimed) that would proved something nefarious was afoot. Yet, no one could find the emails. Wikiality.com also smelled a rat, a demon-rat! Investigative reporters for Wikiality.com's news division also asked lots of people questions and looked in places we had no business looking--just like Nancy does on a daily basis! But, we actually found something! After fruitlessly searching, Nancy Pelosi claimed that The Greatest Architect Ever hid or threw away (which is it, Nancy? We're at war!) 5 million emails to hide (or throw away?) the reason a handful of administrative staff wanted to spend more time with their families. Ha! Again, Wikiality.com says, "ha." 5 million emails! Our collective internets eye! How could she possibly know that many emails were missing? If they we're there, how could she know they weren't there!? Huh? Huh? Well, Nancy, Wikiality.com is on to your shenanigans! Those allegedly missing emails didn't go missing, they were gifts given to the many staff members of The Greatest Administration Ever as parting gifts for their service to our Country and The Greatest President Ever! The very people who Nancy Pelosi claimed were fired for political reasons (but weren't) had been the ones to graciously accept the "missing" emails Pelsoi also claimed proved they were fired improperly. Each employee was given a CD of anywhere between 40,000 and 100,000 emails ranging from "Christian Investment Opportunities" to "Employee Notices" regarding break time activities. See? none of these things are a threat to National Security. So, once again, you're wrong Nancy. It's high time you give The Greatest President Ever and America a break and resign your position. Now that Wikiality.com has solved the case of the not missing 5 million emails, and the real reason the attorneys were fired, we ask that Nancy Pelosi get fired and take all her emails with her! ### Edwards Scissorcrotch BEVERLY HILLS, CA June 19, 2007-- Are you ready for beach season? John Edwards is. In preperation for a windsurfing outing fishing trip with lifepartner John Kerry, Edwards reportedly spent 400$ on a bikini wax and his campaign picked up the tab, according to a recent report by the Federal Election Commission. "Yes, John Edwards is a regular client of mine. I'd know that well-coifed bikini line anywhere," says Raul Ramon, proprietor of Pink Sapphire, a trendy boutique in Beverly Hills, CA that caters mostly to women. "But don't think he's not still a man of the people. All his hair clippings go to Merkins of Love." Merkins of Love is a non-profit charity that provides pubic wigs to cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy. After the revelations, Ann Coulter took a break from her busy schedule of verbally assaulting 9/11 widows and forcefully converting Muslims to Christianity to indirectly call Edwards a faggot. Unable to be reached for comment, Edwards instead retaliated through his website, asking supporters to help "raise $100,000 in 'Coulter Cash'" so he could get that anal bleaching he's had his eyes on. ---- Breaking News Archive